...Searching

I heart Google.  I heart Pinterest.  I heart Thesaurus.com and Dictionary.com.  I heart Wikipedia.  I heart Biblegateway.com.  I heart YouTube.  Seriously—these are a few of my favorite things, and if I could gather them all together in a fuzzy little bundle and hug them, I would, because I use most of them almost every day.  I use them to ensure accuracy and to diversify word choice when writing.  I use them to check up on the news and to snicker at the latest hijinks of spotlight-loving celebrities.  I consult them for all things “how-to,” like how to cut a mango, how to paint laminate furniture, how to change the aperture on my fancy new-used camera, and how to bathe a newborn.  And instead of needing to have home remedies passed down from generation to generation in the families that were blessed enough to possess knowledge of them, I now have near-instant access to the nifty tricks of not only countless savvy families, but of countless cultures across the globe. 

I love using the World Wide Web to find answers to my ever-expanding list of questions.  For those of you who don’t know me well, I am a big question-asker and information-seeker.  I actually like to do research, but I don’t always love the amount of time that it takes.  Finding (even credible) answers to my questions on the Internet can be a fairly quick and easy process, however.  I love that I don’t have to pore over dusty piles of musty books to get the information I seek—that so much of the searching requires just a tad bit of typing and a couple quick clicks.

I also love that I can anonymously consult the Web for answers to questions that might seem silly on the surface without ever having to explain my reasons for asking them—that I can ask things like, “What is the anatomy of an onion?”, “What rhymes with ‘business’?”, “What do you call the part of a balloon that ties?”, and “Are canker sores a symptom of early pregnancy?” 

It’s nice to find that plenty of other people are throwing the same crazy questions out into cyberspace as I am.  It makes me feel more comfortable with the thought of actually verbalizing any odd-sounding inquiries I may feel compelled to pose in the future. 

…I guess it’s just nice to know I’m not alone.

There are other, less straight-forward questions I bring to the glowing screen of my companion, the computer—questions that gnaw at the corners of my consciousness, that beg to be answered from the moment I arise to the white light beaming in vertical lines between my bedroom blinds to the time I hit the hay at the end of each day.  Like Snow White’s insecure queen obsessively inquiring of the current state of her value each time she approaches her aloof magic mirror, there are questions I ask each time I flip open the flat black lid of my laptop, suddenly turned business-like instead of benign, each time I solicit a search engine, unexpectedly stone cold and unsociable.

I am searching for certain—searching for answers to deep-seated questions that haven’t even fully formed in my own mind:  What does my future hold?  Am I ever going to “make it” as a professional writer and how will this come to pass?  Do the “right” people notice me—do they acknowledge my efforts and when will they cut me a break?  Do enough people notice, and how many people count as enough?  Will today be the day that the tide finally turns?   

Most of the time, when I log onto Facebook, my blog, and my e-mail, I’m accompanied by an invisible expectancy—a hidden hope that I’ll be met with answers to my unspoken questions.  I’m constantly on the look-out for feedback in the form of climbing page views, comments, bitty blue numbers broadening behind crumb-sized thumbs-up symbols, and positive responses from publications to my online writing submissions.

Although writing is obviously the big theme for me right now, from the time I first ventured into a chat room for Christian teens in my friend’s basement back in junior high, there have been many others.  Mostly, it’s been attention from boys—from angling to get a virtual rose from a friendly, cute-sounding boy in the chat room to losing my breath each time I logged onto my e-mail account to find an icon of an unopened envelope—teeny, white, and tidy, like the Tiny Size Chiclets I used to chomp on when I was little—next to my husband-to-be’s first-and-last-name before we started dating (seeing his name in my inbox still gives me butterflies).  I’ve also sought approval from friends and mentors—approval of my plans, approval of my thoughts…even approval of my character.  Especially approval of my character.        

…Which is silly, because I know better.  I know better.  I know that the solution to all of my searching is to look into His face-Book (the Bible; James 1:22-25)—to trust Him to tell me of my worth (which is only in Him) and to transfigure the visions He’s infused in me from ambiguous vapors into realities visible and verifiable.  I know I need to trust that whatever will happen, will happen according to His perfect timing and plan, even if it doesn’t come out looking the way I’ve expected. 

With that all being said, while the net and the web rank high in my book, I know I need to be careful whenever I approach them lest I become ensnared in them, because I know how easy it can be to seek answers from sources other than the Son in my impatience (Proverbs 29:25).

And so for now,  I resolve to go with the piece of the puzzle He’s given me—which is simply to write— to be thankful for the time He’s given me to do this thing that I love, and to ultimately leave the rest up to His leading.

Thank you, Lord, for Your provision.

Habakkuk 2:3 (LB):  “But these things I plan won’t happen right away.  Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled.  If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass.  Just be patient!  They will not be overdue a single day!”

Matthew 6:8b (NIV):  “…your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.”

Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV):  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”