Now You Know

The Jared Wilcurt for openphoto.net

Warning:  this post contains information that may be too graphic for some readers.
 
Whenever I’ve reached large milestones in my life, such as graduating from high school, getting married, becoming pregnant, or having a baby, I’ve noticed many of my peers making complaints about things nobody told them to help prepare them for the new season.  For example, when getting married, I’ve heard the common complaint, “Nobody told me how hard the first year would be.”  It kind of surprises me when people say that, though, because so many people say it.  You’d think the news would get around.

Well, when it’s come to life with a baby, I can honestly say that nobody told me how challenging it would be to try and take a dump while holding the baby.  Perhaps this is because most other people would never attempt such a feat, but I have a feeling I’m not the only one that’s done it.  You know what they say:  There is nothing new under the sun.  In fact, here it is straight from the Bible: 

“That which has been is what will be, That which is done is what will be done, And there is nothing new under the sun.  Is there anything of which it may be said, ‘See, this is new’?”  (Ecclesiastes 1:9-10)

You can’t argue with Scripture.  Well, you could, but you’d lose.  So, what I suspect is that many people have done it, but most are too embarrassed and/or polite to admit it.  Here I am to break the ice and say that I hold my baby while I poop.  And occasionally while I pee.  Now, if you’re reading this and haven’t yet had your first baby, you can never say, “Nobody told me how tricky it would be to use the can while holding a baby.”  Because if you did, you’d be a liar, as I suspect many of the “I never heard marriage was hard” people are.    

Today, I held her while she was wrapped in a blanket and sucking on a pacifier.  I always have to hold her up high as it is to avoid her feet from dangling into the area from whence she came forth, but should never return (I warned you this was gross), but when I add a blanket to the situation, it just makes things that much more precarious because the blanket’s in danger of suddenly loosening and dangling, too.  And I’m always a little nervous the pacifier’s going to fall into the toilet.  Pacifiers are pretty cheap, so it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it still worries me.  Today, it missed the toilet and fell on the floor.  Right next to the trash can.  Ew.

Now, before you go thinking that my little babs always accompanies her mommy to the potty, let me explain that using the toilet while holding the little bundle of joy is a last resort.  It’s only when she’s sleeping or almost asleep and I don’t want to put her down just yet or she’s particularly fussy and I’m going to need to be in the bathroom for a prolonged period of time that I take her along with me.  And when Alice was still getting the hang of nursing, for example, I was not about to interrupt the process once she’d finally latched on just because I had to go.  So, to the bathroom she’d go with me. 

Nursing while pooping is even harder than going while merely holding the baby.  It’s challenging enough to get up and walk to the bathroom while she's eating, but to poop—ooo wee!  It’s particularly difficult when I have a stomach ache, or I’m constipated, and I have to rock back and forth and lean way forward and what-not to get my business taken care of.  And when I get really bad tummy aches, I tend to experience an insane overflow of saliva, which I get rid of by holding the trash can in my lap and drooling into it.  This is near-impossible when my arms are already full. 

When things get too tricky, I resort to yanking a towel off of the rack on the wall in front of the toilet, spreading it on the floor, and laying Alice on it until I’m finished.  Most of the time, however, I’m much too stubborn to give up that easily. 

If I’ve succeeded in hanging onto her the entire time, my final two challenges come when pulling up my pants and washing my hands.  A lot of moms wear pants with elastic waists.  I always used to think this was solely due to the fact that they still had baby weight to lose and sweats were comfier.  Now, I’m beginning to wonder if it could also be because it’s a heck of a lot easier to yank up your yoga pants or what have you and be done with it than to have to deal with both with a zipper and a button on top of all of the other trouble you’ve already had to go through when using the bathroom with your baby.          

Hand-washing is hard because, when you’re holding a baby, there’s no way to wash both hands as usual.  This is why, if I’ve managed to use the same hand for holding and the same hand for wiping the entire time, I only wash the hand used for wiping.  You might find this absolutely disgusting, but it’s the truth.

…And the truth hurts, baby!  But in this case, hopefully it helps—helps you not feel like a freak if you’ve already done this with your baby, and helps you feel forewarned if you plan on having a baby.

 Well, I’m all pooped out.  Toodles!